what.i.feel.now.wont.last.for.so.long

it’s been a while

but these tears are so familiar

i can never not recognize it

the denial is over

it cannot be helped

-grief

the acceptance of change

the acknowledgement of loss

‘height of stupidity’

this very, very, very stupid mistake will be the turning point

this will be the key to my decision

and this decision will be mine alone

solely internal, no external factors

i’m done

and i’m tired of being stupid at work

because my disinterest has reached its limits

i badly need to get out of this situation

my ‘i know i don’t want to’

-throwing punches

in sports, tennis is the love of my life..and the one that got away..


currently watching prince of tennis anime and all i can imagine is how my fave tennis players play in real life and how the moves match theirs. it’s nice to know how they’re named. Sampras’, Agassi’s, Hewitt’s, Roddick’s - my favorite players. i’ve always known how they play this game; their styles.

tennis and frustrations.

thought:

maybe the reason why i don’t like some of the great players other that those 4 is that, i’ve become close minded. i don’t really know how federrer plays, or murray or nadal. especially federrer, who is argued to be the best tennis player, i couldn’t get myself into liking him. maybe because i know somehow that he is a threat to sampras for me, whom i consider the best. i don’t watch his games and i refuse to watch it. i just know that he must be really good to win those titles. and even though he is the best this time, i don’t know his style at all.  


hmm..i want to start watching tournaments again..djockovic might be the fifth on my list. i wanna know his style.

and someday, i’ll play tennis. i mean, learn how to play tennis. =) 

i don’t believe that you are not aware

but you do what you do

you did what you did

maybe not intending to

but you played with my emotions

and maybe i should have known

but you also should have known

for that

i may hold a grudge

you were not the first

and believe me,

you probably won’t notice it

or maybe you would

and still think that nothing’s wrong

but everything will change

wala na koi amour nimu- 

i’m ready

i’m free

the baggage has been lifted off of me

a thousand ton of weight on my shoulder is gone


there’s no need to look back

nothing else matters now


this is the break i have been waiting for

i can now move forward without thinking back

no-one else and nothing else matters 

but ME

for the first time in my life

I will become my priority


first taste of freedom- 

but i’m still sad and a bit mad at myself.

this lesson cost me a fortune!

hahai

how many more mistakes will i make before i’ll be able to stand on my own with success?

how long do i have to keep swallowing my pride to be able to say i’m good to go?

how long do i have to keep up with my guilt and frustration to myself?

now, i am making my own mistakes.

there is no one else to blame.

i think i need to learn to forgive myself and move forward, keeping my head up.

i can’t give up now.

i’ve just been getting started.

i just have to suck these all up.

there’s so much to learn.

and if i have to learn it this way, 

so be it.

i’m dumb and stupid.

i know that now.

i used to think that i’m smart enough.

i guess i was so wrong afterall.

i’ve been fooled.

so easily,

it’s a spank!

but i take it.

i’ll learn from it.

this how i learn in life.

this is how i build my confidence.

learning through my stupid mistakes.

i don’t have to avoid them.

i should not be afraid of them.

so what if i did something that i’m supposed to know is not right?

and so what if i don’t see the deceptions in front of me?

i learned now how i easily believe people. mainly because, i always see the good in them first. i don’t always think ill of anyone. i always want to believe that no one is so capable of doing very bad things. i’m wrong again.

experiencing these things first hand gives me valuable lessons.

i know i should be smart enough to avoid these mistakes,

but i can’t be too hard on myself if i didn’t.

i know, i will encounter more failures.

but i won’t give up until i finally get to that success  i’m aiming.

i know i’m bound to lose more.

but i’m positive that i’ll gain more in the end.

i won’t hold myself down if i make mistakes from now own.

but i can’t let others just know about it yet.

because i’m still working out on that aspect of not getting affected so much by what others will say or them having prejudices.

in time.