what.i.feel.now.wont.last.for.so.long

a very special and random spot. the serenity of what the sight...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 15:39:00 -0400

a very special and random spot. the serenity of what the sight beholds, the stillness of my being as i stood in the platform, the blissful moment under the rain, the scent of freedom around the misty air. how i felt then and how i feel now, simply that my heart is filled with so much joy. a pair of my footprints didn’t and would never speak of loneliness.

a sanctuary.

tears

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 16:50:57 -0400

it’s been a while

but these tears are so familiar

i can never not recognize it

the denial is over

it cannot be helped

-grief

the acceptance of change

the acknowledgement of loss

90’s baby-

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 08:56:00 -0400

90’s baby-

prelude

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 05:25:11 -0400

‘height of stupidity’

this very, very, very stupid mistake will be the turning point

this will be the key to my decision

and this decision will be mine alone

solely internal, no external factors

i’m done

and i’m tired of being stupid at work

because my disinterest has reached its limits

i badly need to get out of this situation

my ‘i know i don’t want to’

-throwing punches

Tennis

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:55:54 -0400

in sports, tennis is the love of my life..and the one that got away..

currently watching prince of tennis anime and all i can imagine is how my fave tennis players play in real life and how the moves match theirs. it’s nice to know how they’re named. Sampras’, Agassi’s, Hewitt’s, Roddick’s - my favorite players. i’ve always known how they play this game; their styles.

tennis and frustrations.

thought:

maybe the reason why i don’t like some of the great players other that those 4 is that, i’ve become close minded. i don’t really know how federrer plays, or murray or nadal. especially federrer, who is argued to be the best tennis player, i couldn’t get myself into liking him. maybe because i know somehow that he is a threat to sampras for me, whom i consider the best. i don’t watch his games and i refuse to watch it. i just know that he must be really good to win those titles. and even though he is the best this time, i don’t know his style at all.

hmm..i want to start watching tournaments again..djockovic might be the fifth on my list. i wanna know his style.

and someday, i’ll play tennis. i mean, learn how to play tennis. =)

actually

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 16:12:52 -0400

i don’t believe that you are not aware

but you do what you do

you did what you did

maybe not intending to

but you played with my emotions

and maybe i should have known

but you also should have known

for that

i may hold a grudge

you were not the first

and believe me,

you probably won’t notice it

or maybe you would

and still think that nothing’s wrong

but everything will change

wala na koi amour nimu-

anew

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 07:10:00 -0400

i’m ready

i’m free

the baggage has been lifted off of me

a thousand ton of weight on my shoulder is gone

there’s no need to look back

nothing else matters now

this is the break i have been waiting for

i can now move forward without thinking back

no-one else and nothing else matters

but ME

for the first time in my life

I will become my priority

first taste of freedom-

"..longing for work to begin and, when i’m working, longing to get back to the boarding house...."

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 08:07:29 -0400

“..longing for work to begin and, when i’m working, longing to get back to the boarding house. In other words, I’m living in the future not the present.”

- 11 mins - P.C.

=(

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 11:11:36 -0400

but i’m still sad and a bit mad at myself.

this lesson cost me a fortune!

hahai

getting started

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 11:07:47 -0400

how many more mistakes will i make before i’ll be able to stand on my own with success?

how long do i have to keep swallowing my pride to be able to say i’m good to go?

how long do i have to keep up with my guilt and frustration to myself?

now, i am making my own mistakes.

there is no one else to blame.

i think i need to learn to forgive myself and move forward, keeping my head up.

i can’t give up now.

i’ve just been getting started.

i just have to suck these all up.

there’s so much to learn.

and if i have to learn it this way,

so be it.

i’m dumb and stupid.

i know that now.

i used to think that i’m smart enough.

i guess i was so wrong afterall.

i’ve been fooled.

so easily,

it’s a spank!

but i take it.

i’ll learn from it.

this how i learn in life.

this is how i build my confidence.

learning through my stupid mistakes.

i don’t have to avoid them.

i should not be afraid of them.

so what if i did something that i’m supposed to know is not right?

and so what if i don’t see the deceptions in front of me?

i learned now how i easily believe people. mainly because, i always see the good in them first. i don’t always think ill of anyone. i always want to believe that no one is so capable of doing very bad things. i’m wrong again.

experiencing these things first hand gives me valuable lessons.

i know i should be smart enough to avoid these mistakes,

but i can’t be too hard on myself if i didn’t.

i know, i will encounter more failures.

but i won’t give up until i finally get to that success i’m aiming.

i know i’m bound to lose more.

but i’m positive that i’ll gain more in the end.

i won’t hold myself down if i make mistakes from now own.

but i can’t let others just know about it yet.

because i’m still working out on that aspect of not getting affected so much by what others will say or them having prejudices.

in time.

HxH

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 06:26:18 -0400

Gon knows what he wants to do, Killua doesn’t. But Killua knows what he doesn’t want to do.

I guess i still don’t know what i want to do because i’m busy with what i don’t want to do.

does this mean i’ll have to get pass with the things i don’t want to do before knowing what i want to do and be able to act on it?

AAAhhhh

sinking

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 09:33:44 -0400

i’m setting a definite goal for myself

i need to get a new job before the year ends

and since i can’t decide for a specific work preference

without changing my mind about it almost everyday

anything that will come up would do

as long as it entails a change in scenery

i’m losing my mind drastically

and don’t think i can keep up any longer

i’m in big trouble

and i’m scared

i’m getting tired

really getting tired

of holding myself up

i’m afraid that i might

just snap one day

one day at a time

five months

six years

freedom

happiness

it’s not empty it appears to be but it’s notthis is...

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 13:59:00 -0400

it’s not empty

it appears to be

but it’s not

this is how i feel

this is what my thoughts are

being

seeming

liking

the nothingness

the emptiness

of having

still-ness

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 05:30:24 -0400

what if what i want is to do nothing?

i don’t want responsibilities.

i want to stay right where i am.

watch all the series that i want.

don’t have to clean the house

or wash the dishes

or cook for food

or just think of anyone but me.

i want to be lazy.

forever.

i’m tired of thinking.

and doing.

i just don’t want to do anything.

what if i quit my job.

go back to the philippines.

stay away from my hometown.

or from anyone i know.

be somewhere i could be alone.

and be as lazy as i can be.

what if i ran away.

anywhere no one would know me.

somewhere no one would find me.

i want to disappear.

just like that.

have a new life.

—

this is my body betraying me again.

i know exactly what this is.

confused instead

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 06:05:56 -0400

horoscope:

Just because a couple of your recent hunches were slightly off the mark doesn’t mean that your intuitive skills have bitten the dust! Don’t lose confidence in your gut today, because it will help you steer clear of some unpleasant people. Listen when that little voice says ‘don’t trust this person.’ You are an excellent judge of character, and you will have an especially good eye for seeing through the charm someone is working so hard to convey to you.

given my recent entries, i suppose this horoscope should make me enlightened and would somehow be the clarity. i’m confused instead.

or am i?

because maybe, i’m just fighting what i believe is what it it meant and what my gut says is true or atleast what’s real.

maybe, the hard-headed me who always end up betraying my best judgment is so insistent, persistent and very persuasive that i’m tailored away to what my gut is telling me.

i’m so confused right now but i don’t have the energy to argue myself out of it.

so i’ll just play along. see where it leads me. it’s a risk. i guess, my expectations on this are just equally optimistic and pessimistic. so, it wouldn’t be that bad in the end. couldn’t hurt more.

self talk bullets

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 10:14:50 -0400

i can never trust myself
i always end up betraying myself
palabra de honor - note to self
i’m a hazard to myself - no wonder (why) i love this line so much
realization: when i realize something, it only has a 24-48-hour lifespan

bullets 2012

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 09:41:51 -0400

it is time to do things on my own (i know, the only difference is, this time, i think i don’t have the urge to rely on anyone else anymore and that i’m finally coming to my own senses. i think i’m liberated and and i’m shaking to the thought of it. i sure hope i’m not mistaken. kai i super duper like the feeling nga dili mg.agad sa uban taw. i know, i should have known -and i know- and sauna pa ta nku n gbuhat but i think kron pa nka.amgo or nitagam akong huna2 ug kaugalingon. yes, it’s not mind over matters with me. so this is the big break i’ve been waiting. i guess, i have to accept one thing. hinai mo.process aq self. i can’t rush me. i come in my own terms. i just need to be patient.)
burden free feeling (ing.ani d.i ang feeling. i hope it lingers longer. sigh. cge nlng if knahanglan pq mapakog ug balik2. i forgive myself for that. and i can’t promise nga it won’t be this way next time, pero kon ing.ani jud ang mo.work for me, i know now and i don’t have to be hard on myself nah.)
i don’t care what others say anymore (in a good way. ksabot nq sa concept nga ‘what works for others may not work on me. and what works for me may not for others. -majority does not mean superiority or the only mean to an end. there is always an exception to the rule. there will always be special cases.- so i guess, i have to work my way through this. if it means proving myself to myself and to others, then so be it. i will do this my way. i always have. and so far, i’ve been surviving, and i will survive. i can’t live on other’s expectations. so it’s just fair if other’s expectations of me are not met. i don’t mean it in a bad way, i just thought, if my expectations to myself are different to others, so be it.)
i am different (i still have issues about belongingness. but atleast, i am accepting that i am not like most of the people around me. i struggle to fit in and it’s where the problem emerge. if i don’t fit in, so be it (still have to come in terms with that, and truly believe myself with that) and if i can’t find a group to fit in, then so be it also. i will not stop looking and trying to find that ‘any/some-thing/place/one’ to belong but if i can’t, then so be it and i think i will be fine on my own. it will be tough but i think i will survive. i had, i have been and i will.)
I AM I (i think, i haven’t been living up to this quote which i thought i was. i’m still not sure if i am now or if i will. i just think, i may have just grasp the real meaning of it. it feels tangible now. it’s more true to say now. I AM I and as long as i don’t get in the way of others/anyone and as long as i am still responsible to my duties and obligations, then i can just be me. if others disapprove, it’s not my problem anymore. let them be disappointed in me.)
no regrets (i know, i could have taken a better road. chosen better options. did better things. made better decisions. but knowing myself and standing where i am now, i don’t have regrets.)

confession: it’s a ‘i should have known better but i expected it also’ moment. it was hurtful, as truths always are, but it was also, as always, a wake.up call. and i know, i should have known better but to my defense, as i’ve said when i failed HAAD, this was like a prerequisite disappointment to realize what i just did. it may have been avoidable and i could have gone through a different road but i’m glad it happened this way. i has to happen this way because this is what works for me. i do well with tareping, not abrupt withdrawal. it’s not the best thing but it’s what gives me the best outcome. CONSOLATION: I FEEL BETTER EVERYTIME. ‘MORE’ BETTER EVERYTIME. maybe a little bitter also but still better.

instinct

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 08:47:00 -0400

i have always trusted my instinct

i almost always never doubted it more than anything else

it is sometimes misinterpreted as pessimism

but expecting something negative to come up

differs from being negative from the beginning

i don’t know when, how or why i stopped

or just lost my track of my instinct

but i have a good feeling

that this year might just be the year

i’m about to get it back again

pessimism aside

i think

my negative expectations

and the positive validations

just landed me on the right road

of regaining my instinctive powers

expecting the worst

is not not being hopeful

it is just that

there is a fine line

between hope and false hope

if there is any consolation to this

it is that

it always feels good to be right

even if it means being right

about the a negative outcome

arguements

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 06:15:00 -0400

we are responsible for ourselves

and for our actions and the decisions

that we make everyday

that affects the course of the path

we take in our lives

i know what i’m doing

i know what is right from wrong

i know what is good from bad

and i know what is best for my self

—

i am aware of everything i do

every other options-better or not

and i am well aware of every consequences

of the decisions i make

on how i live my life

i know i can do things differently

act and feel differently

but it changes

when my strong personality/trait is weak

and my weak personality/trait comes out strong

it makes the other version of a story

and i know that it’s a matter of control

over the -/+’s of my life

and how i project it to the world

but i guess it is never that simple

it can make you helpless

most of the time

when you know for yourself

that you could have done better

that you could have been better

but you just end up being

overpowered by your own self

you argue yet you lose

to no one else but you

—-
this is progress-

~~how can i stand up for/to/with others if i can’t for/to/with myself first~~

(a great thought to ponder and argue with-with myself)

playing cupid

Sun, 08 Jul 2012 07:01:00 -0400

oh yes

my horoscope is playing cupid

here’s what it has to say

and i’m pretty sure this is the worst

if not the best

of my favorites

Beautiful words will turn anyone’s head today, so if you have been working up the courage to make your move on a certain someone, today is the day to do it! Get creative and think outside the box with how you approach the situation. Writing a love letter — or better yet, love song — will get you noticed and show them that you are not like everyone else. Your extra effort and refreshing creativity is more flattering than any trite come-on or hollow gesture.

—

fortunately,

i usually find my horoscope true

if i read it

at the end of the day

because i don’t really follow

what it says

it just confirms what i did

gives me something

to confirm or evaluate

what went through me

for the day

emotionally, physically

more like, in every aspect possible

—